(mis)Interpreting the State of the Union Address (Part III)

The State of the Union given by President Oprama Weds. Jan. 27, 2010
What they said	What I heard
And tonight, I’d like to talk about how together, we can deliver on that promise.	'N' tonight, I'm going to tell you how I can deliver on that promise if folks would just get out o' my way 'n' let me do what I want.
It begins with our economy.	It's the economy, stupid. I know that phrase got a lot of use during ex-President Slick's first run fer President, but I figger there's still some kick left in that ol' mule yet.
Our most urgent task upon taking office was to shore up the same banks that helped cause this crisis. It was not easy to do. And if there’s one thing that has unified Democrats and Republicans, it’s that we all hated the bank bailout. I hated it. You hated it. It was about as popular as a root canal.	The first thing I had to deal with when I took office was to pay the ransom the banks was demanding. It weren't no easy thing to do, neither, 'cause folks hated the idea 'bout as much as having to get a root canal. Even the Republicans hated doing it, 'cause it meant they had to admit that they hadn't been handling the situation too well to begin with.
But when I ran for president, I promised I wouldn’t just do what was popular — I would do what was necessary. And if we had allowed the meltdown of the financial system, unemployment might be double what it is today. More businesses would certainly have closed. More homes would have surely been lost.	I told ya'll I weren't going to do just what was pop'lar, but that I'd do what actually needed to be done, irregardless o' what folks thought 'bout it. 'N' I single-handedly saved the economy, even if things wouldn't have been a lot worse than they are now, I'll still say they are just to make myself look good.
So I supported the last administration’s efforts to create the financial rescue program. And when we took the program over, we made it more transparent and accountable. As a result, the markets are now stabilized, and we have recovered most of the money we spent on the banks.	I'll even go so far as to say I supported former President Jr.'s efforts on financial rescue. But it was what I did after taking office that really made a diff'rence. I've even managed to make those tight-fisted suckers give some o' the ransom money back.
To recover the rest, I have proposed a fee on the biggest banks. I know Wall Street isn’t keen on this idea, but if these firms can afford to hand out big bonuses again, they can afford a modest fee to pay back the taxpayers who rescued them in their time of need.	To try 'n' get the rest o' the ransom money back, I'm going to try 'n' sock the banking folks with some high fees. I know Wall Street 'n' big business 'n' Republicans don't like that idea, but they got too much money as it is anyway. They can afford to give a little back. 'Sides, they'll just make up the diff'rence by socking their users with higher fees, but don't go blaming me fer that.
As we stabilized the financial system, we also took steps to get our economy growing again, save as many jobs as possible and help Americans who had become unemployed.	While I was stabilizing the banks, I also worked to save the economy, jobs, 'n' help all y'all who was unemployed.
That’s why we extended or increased unemployment benefits for more than 18 million Americans, made health insurance 65 percent cheaper for families who get their coverage through COBRA and passed 25 different tax cuts.	That's why I spent more on unemployment benfits for a whole bunch o' folks, cut your health insurance benefits through COBRA so it would be cheaper, 'n' passed 25 diff'rent kinds o' tax cuts. Make note o' that! I passed tax cuts, not the Republicans, 'spite their accusations o' me being a tax-'n'-spend liberal.
Let me repeat: we cut taxes. We cut taxes for 95 percent of working families. We cut taxes for small businesses. We cut taxes for first-time homebuyers. We cut taxes for parents trying to care for their children. We cut taxes for 8 million Americans paying for college. As a result, millions of Americans had more to spend on gas, and food and other necessities, all of which helped businesses keep more workers. And we haven’t raised income taxes by a single dime on a single person. Not a single dime.	Let me repeat that over 'n' over again. I cut taxes. I cut taxes. I cut taxes. I cut taxes. I cut taxes. I cut taxes. That means I made it look like folks had more to spend fer things that they was being charged way too much fer to begin with, even if they really didn't have more to spend. 'N' I ain't raised income taxes by one single dime fer one single person. Let me repeat that 'cause it makes me look so good. Not one single dime.
Because of the steps we took, there are about 2 million Americans working right now who would otherwise be unemployed — 200,000 work in construction and clean energy, 300,000 are teachers and other education workers, tens of thousands are cops, firefighters, correctional officers and first responders. And we are on track to add another one-and-a-half-million jobs to this total by the end of the year.	Thanks to me, there are now a whole bunch o' folks working right now that I will tell you would have been out o' work. Whether that's true er not, I'll say it anyway. I'll even give you some made up numbers just to make you think I'm telling you the truth. I'll also tell you I'm going to add even more jobs 'fore the end o' the year, even if that don't happen. If it don't, I'll just find someone else to lay the blame on.
The plan that has made all of this possible, from the tax cuts to the jobs, is the Recovery Act. That’s right — the Recovery Act, also known as the stimulus bill. Economists on the left and the right say that this bill has helped saved jobs and avert disaster. But you don’t have to take their word for it.	My plan that made all this possible was my Recovery Act. I'll repeat that - my Recovery Act. Folks on both sides admit I helped save jobs and avert disaster with my Recovery Act.
Talk to the small business in Phoenix that will triple its work force because of the Recovery Act.	I'll give a few examples here o' folks who claim to have benefited from my Recovery Act, just to try 'n' get you to believe me some more.
Talk to the window manufacturer in Philadelphia who said he used to be skeptical about the Recovery Act, until he had to add two more work shifts just because of the business it created.
Talk to the single teacher raising two kids who was told by her principal in the last week of school that because of the Recovery Act, she wouldn’t be laid off after all.
There are stories like this all across America. And after two years of recession, the economy is growing again. Retirement funds have started to gain back some of their value. Businesses are beginning to invest again, and slowly some are starting to hire again.	I could make up some more stories like these, but I think I've made my point. Thanks to me, the economy is growing again, 'n' things're starting to get better.
But I realize that for every success story, there are other stories, of men and women who wake up with the anguish of not knowing where their next paycheck will come from — who send out resumes week after week and hear nothing in response. That is why jobs must be our number one focus in 2010, and that is why I am calling for a new jobs bill tonight.	'Course, things ain't all chittlings 'n' moonshine. They's a lot o' folks who will tell you that my Recovery Act ain't helped them one bit. That's why I'm going to claim to make jobs my number one focus this year. I'm even going to call fer a new jobs bill tonight, so if nothing happens with that, don't blame me. Blame the folks who wouldn't let me get that bill passed.