(mis)Interpreting the State of the Union Address (Part I)

The State of the Union given by President Oprama Weds. Jan. 27, 2010
What they said	What I heard
Madame Speaker, Vice President Biden, members of Congress, distinguished guests, and fellow Americans:	Howdy! How y'all doing?
Our Constitution declares that from time to time, the president shall give to Congress information about the state of our union. For 220 years, our leaders have fulfilled this duty. They have done so during periods of prosperity and tranquility. And they have done so in the midst of war and depression; at moments of great strife and great struggle.	According to Article II, Section 3 o' the Constitution o' the United States, I shall "from time to time give to the Congress Information of the State of the Union". Presidents have been doing this fer over 200 years, now, even when they had some pret' good excuses fer being to busy to do so, so I don't see anyway I can get out of it. 'Sides, this'll give me a chance to brag about 'n' take credit fer all the good things 'n' successes that have happened over the past year (whether I deserve to er not), and blame the other side fer all the bad things 'n' failures that have happened over the past year (whether they deserve it er not).
It’s tempting to look back on these moments and assume that our progress was inevitable, that America was always destined to succeed. But when the Union was turned back at Bull Run and the Allies first landed at Omaha Beach, victory was very much in doubt. When the market crashed on Black Tuesday and civil rights marchers were beaten on Bloody Sunday, the future was anything but certain. These were times that tested the courage of our convictions and the strength of our union. And despite all our divisions and disagreements, our hesitations and our fears, America prevailed because we chose to move forward as one nation and one people.	You might be tempted to look back at those moments 'n' think that our progress was inevtiable 'n' that America was destined to succeed. But I'll give you some examples o' times when that progress 'n' success didn't seem so inevitable. But I'll make sure I use examples where our progress 'n' success was brought about by great leaders like Lincoln, Roosevelt, 'n' Dr. Martin Luther King. I'll tell you that the reason we survived those dark times was 'cause o' the courage 'n' determination 'n' strength o' the American people, but what I want you to do is think about those great leaders 'cause I want you to associate me with them.
Again, we are tested. And again, we must answer history’s call.	I will tell you that, once again, we are tested now as we were in those times, 'n' that I am the great leader you need to answer the call, just as those gentlemen were the great leaders we needed in those times.
One year ago, I took office amid two wars, an economy rocked by severe recession, a financial system on the verge of collapse and a government deeply in debt. Experts from across the political spectrum warned that if we did not act, we might face a second depression. So we acted immediately and aggressively. And one year later, the worst of the storm has passed.	Last year, I took office 'n' inherited a whole mess o' problems we will blame on the Republicans in general 'n' former President Jr. in particular. All the experts were predicting the absolute worst was going to happen, as experts always do 'cause they get more attention when they's predicting doom 'n' gloom than they do when they say everything's hunky dorey er not as bad as they seem. So I hit the ground running and ready to get down to business 'n' do some real work from day one. Now, everything's a whole lot better, thanks to me.
But the devastation remains. One in 10 Americans still cannot find work. Many businesses have shuttered. Home values have declined. Small towns and rural communities have been hit especially hard. For those who had already known poverty, life has become that much harder.	I'll admit that things are still bad, since I can lay the blame fer all o' that at the feet o' the previous administration. I'll trot out the whole litany o' recent complaints 'bout housing prices, business closures, 'n' poverty. I'll even th'ow out a bit o' meaningless statistics like 1 in 10 Americans cain't find a job, but I won't tell you what those statistics are based on. (After all, more than 1 in 10 Americans are below the age they can legally work to begin with, so I can make a claim like that 'n' still be telling the truth if anyone presses me on it.)
This recession has also compounded the burdens that America’s families have been dealing with for decades — the burden of working harder and longer for less, of being unable to save enough to retire or help kids with college.	Even if you do want to blame me 'er the Democrats fer some o' these problems, we ain't going to accept that blame. We'll just tell you that's the way things have been fer longer than a lot of us have even been in office.