(mis)Interpreting the State of the Union Address (Part IV)

The State of the Union given by President Oprama Weds. Jan. 27, 2010
What they said	What I heard
Now, the true engine of job creation in this country will always be America’s businesses. But government can create the conditions necessary for businesses to expand and hire more workers.	You can also blame the businesses that don't go out 'n' create more jobs. I can try 'n' make it easier fer them to expand, but, if they don't, that's their fault, not mine.
We should start where most new jobs do — in small businesses, companies that begin when an entrepreneur takes a chance on a dream or a worker decides it’s time she became her own boss.	Now I'll say some nice things 'bout small businesses 'cause that's what we Democrats want ya'll to think we care 'bout - the small business, not big business like the Republicans do.
Through sheer grit and determination, these companies have weathered the recession and are ready to grow. But when you talk to small business owners in places like Allentown, Pa., or Elyria, Ohio, you find out that even though banks on Wall Street are lending again, they are mostly lending to bigger companies. But financing remains difficult for small business owners across the country.	They's a stubborn bunch, like reg'lar Americans, so we'll blame the greedy banks fer any failures the small business owners are encountering.
So tonight, I’m proposing that we take $30 billion of the money Wall Street banks have repaid and use it to help community bank sgive small businesses the credit they need to stay afloat. I am also proposing a new small business tax credit — one that will go to over 1 million small businesses who hire new workers or raise wages. While we’re at it, let’s also eliminate all capital gains taxes on small business investment and provide a tax incentive for all businesses, large and small, to invest in new plants and equipment.	So I'm going to propose we take some o' the ransom money we got back from the big banks 'n' give it to the smaller banks 'n' make them responsible fer giving it to the small businesses. I may not be acting like a tax-'n'-spend liberal, but I can still act like a take-from-the-rich-'n'-give-to-the-poor liberal. I'm also going to propose even more tax cuts fer new small businesses. I won't just propose more tax cuts, though. I'll even propose we eliminate some taxes fer all businesses, large 'n' small. That should get big business on my side a little bit. That's right - even fewer taxes. That'll make you like me better.
Next, we can put Americans to work today building the infrastructure of tomorrow. From the first railroads to the interstate highway system, our nation has always been built to compete. There’s no reason Europe or China should have the fastest trains or the new factories that manufacture clean energy products.	Next, let's talk 'bout doing what worked fer Roosevelt, 'cause I want ya'll to think o' me as the same kind o' great leader he was. Then I'll th'ow in some stuff 'bout how America is the greatest country on earth 'n' shouldn't be taking no back seat to the commies in China when it comes to things like faster trains 'n' new factories.
Tomorrow, I’ll visit Tampa, Fla., where workers will soon break ground on a new high-speed railroad funded by the Recovery Act.There are projects like that all across this country that will create jobs and help our nation move goods, services and information. We should put more Americans to work building clean energy facilities and give rebates to Americans who make their homes more energy efficient, which supports clean energy jobs. And to encourage these and other businesses to stay within our borders, it’s time to finally slash the tax breaks for companies that ship our jobs overseas and give those tax breaks to companies that create jobs in the United States of America.	Tomorrow, I'm going down to Tampa, Florida, to take credit fer my Recovery Act being responsible fer them being able to start working on building a new high-speed railroad. Now, I'll tap into your fears 'bout all that global warming nonsense 'n' high gas prices to tell you we need to do more towards clean energy 'n' energy efficiency. I'll also tap into your fears 'bout sending all our jobs overseas to try 'n' get your support fer helping me take even more money from the rich companies 'n' giving it to the poorer ones.
The House has passed a jobs bill that includes some of these steps. As the first order of business this year, I urge the Senate to do the same. People are out of work. They are hurting. They need our help. And I want a jobs bill on my desk without delay.	The House has already passed a bill that will include some o' these things. First thing this yearm I'm going to tell the Senate they need to do the same thing, 'n' I want 'em to do it now. If they don't, then all those folks who are out o' work, hurting, 'n' need help can blame them.
But the truth is, these steps still won’t make up for the 7 million jobs we’ve lost over the last two years. The only way to move to full employment is to lay a new foundation for long-term economic growth and finally address the problems that America’s families have confronted for years.	It ain't going to solve the problemm however. But least I can claim that it will be a start to changing things. 'N' if it ain't, well...I'll probably be out o' office by then 'n' we can claim it would o' worked if the folks who came after me hadn't mucked things up.
We cannot afford another so-called economic expansion like the one from last decade — what some call the lost decade — where jobs grew more slowly than during any prior expansion, where the income of the average American household declined while the cost of health care and tuition reached record highs, where prosperity was built on a housing bubble and financial speculation.	Just like we can claim the previous administration was responsible fer what I'll call slow job growth during the last decade. I'll even make a little play on words, changing last to lost fer a cheap laugh. I won't give you any actual numbers to back up that claim, 'cause then you'd have something to compare the number o' jobs that was created last year to, 'n' that might not look to good fer me. But it weren't just the previous administration to blame, neither. There was also the fact that the health care industry, higher education, 'n' realtors was overcharging folks just way too much money 'cause they knew there was enough folks stupid enough er desperate enough to pay those high prices that they could just keep on charging 'em.

(mis)Interpreting the State of the Union Address (Part III)

The State of the Union given by President Oprama Weds. Jan. 27, 2010
What they said	What I heard
And tonight, I’d like to talk about how together, we can deliver on that promise.	'N' tonight, I'm going to tell you how I can deliver on that promise if folks would just get out o' my way 'n' let me do what I want.
It begins with our economy.	It's the economy, stupid. I know that phrase got a lot of use during ex-President Slick's first run fer President, but I figger there's still some kick left in that ol' mule yet.
Our most urgent task upon taking office was to shore up the same banks that helped cause this crisis. It was not easy to do. And if there’s one thing that has unified Democrats and Republicans, it’s that we all hated the bank bailout. I hated it. You hated it. It was about as popular as a root canal.	The first thing I had to deal with when I took office was to pay the ransom the banks was demanding. It weren't no easy thing to do, neither, 'cause folks hated the idea 'bout as much as having to get a root canal. Even the Republicans hated doing it, 'cause it meant they had to admit that they hadn't been handling the situation too well to begin with.
But when I ran for president, I promised I wouldn’t just do what was popular — I would do what was necessary. And if we had allowed the meltdown of the financial system, unemployment might be double what it is today. More businesses would certainly have closed. More homes would have surely been lost.	I told ya'll I weren't going to do just what was pop'lar, but that I'd do what actually needed to be done, irregardless o' what folks thought 'bout it. 'N' I single-handedly saved the economy, even if things wouldn't have been a lot worse than they are now, I'll still say they are just to make myself look good.
So I supported the last administration’s efforts to create the financial rescue program. And when we took the program over, we made it more transparent and accountable. As a result, the markets are now stabilized, and we have recovered most of the money we spent on the banks.	I'll even go so far as to say I supported former President Jr.'s efforts on financial rescue. But it was what I did after taking office that really made a diff'rence. I've even managed to make those tight-fisted suckers give some o' the ransom money back.
To recover the rest, I have proposed a fee on the biggest banks. I know Wall Street isn’t keen on this idea, but if these firms can afford to hand out big bonuses again, they can afford a modest fee to pay back the taxpayers who rescued them in their time of need.	To try 'n' get the rest o' the ransom money back, I'm going to try 'n' sock the banking folks with some high fees. I know Wall Street 'n' big business 'n' Republicans don't like that idea, but they got too much money as it is anyway. They can afford to give a little back. 'Sides, they'll just make up the diff'rence by socking their users with higher fees, but don't go blaming me fer that.
As we stabilized the financial system, we also took steps to get our economy growing again, save as many jobs as possible and help Americans who had become unemployed.	While I was stabilizing the banks, I also worked to save the economy, jobs, 'n' help all y'all who was unemployed.
That’s why we extended or increased unemployment benefits for more than 18 million Americans, made health insurance 65 percent cheaper for families who get their coverage through COBRA and passed 25 different tax cuts.	That's why I spent more on unemployment benfits for a whole bunch o' folks, cut your health insurance benefits through COBRA so it would be cheaper, 'n' passed 25 diff'rent kinds o' tax cuts. Make note o' that! I passed tax cuts, not the Republicans, 'spite their accusations o' me being a tax-'n'-spend liberal.
Let me repeat: we cut taxes. We cut taxes for 95 percent of working families. We cut taxes for small businesses. We cut taxes for first-time homebuyers. We cut taxes for parents trying to care for their children. We cut taxes for 8 million Americans paying for college. As a result, millions of Americans had more to spend on gas, and food and other necessities, all of which helped businesses keep more workers. And we haven’t raised income taxes by a single dime on a single person. Not a single dime.	Let me repeat that over 'n' over again. I cut taxes. I cut taxes. I cut taxes. I cut taxes. I cut taxes. I cut taxes. That means I made it look like folks had more to spend fer things that they was being charged way too much fer to begin with, even if they really didn't have more to spend. 'N' I ain't raised income taxes by one single dime fer one single person. Let me repeat that 'cause it makes me look so good. Not one single dime.
Because of the steps we took, there are about 2 million Americans working right now who would otherwise be unemployed — 200,000 work in construction and clean energy, 300,000 are teachers and other education workers, tens of thousands are cops, firefighters, correctional officers and first responders. And we are on track to add another one-and-a-half-million jobs to this total by the end of the year.	Thanks to me, there are now a whole bunch o' folks working right now that I will tell you would have been out o' work. Whether that's true er not, I'll say it anyway. I'll even give you some made up numbers just to make you think I'm telling you the truth. I'll also tell you I'm going to add even more jobs 'fore the end o' the year, even if that don't happen. If it don't, I'll just find someone else to lay the blame on.
The plan that has made all of this possible, from the tax cuts to the jobs, is the Recovery Act. That’s right — the Recovery Act, also known as the stimulus bill. Economists on the left and the right say that this bill has helped saved jobs and avert disaster. But you don’t have to take their word for it.	My plan that made all this possible was my Recovery Act. I'll repeat that - my Recovery Act. Folks on both sides admit I helped save jobs and avert disaster with my Recovery Act.
Talk to the small business in Phoenix that will triple its work force because of the Recovery Act.	I'll give a few examples here o' folks who claim to have benefited from my Recovery Act, just to try 'n' get you to believe me some more.
Talk to the window manufacturer in Philadelphia who said he used to be skeptical about the Recovery Act, until he had to add two more work shifts just because of the business it created.
Talk to the single teacher raising two kids who was told by her principal in the last week of school that because of the Recovery Act, she wouldn’t be laid off after all.
There are stories like this all across America. And after two years of recession, the economy is growing again. Retirement funds have started to gain back some of their value. Businesses are beginning to invest again, and slowly some are starting to hire again.	I could make up some more stories like these, but I think I've made my point. Thanks to me, the economy is growing again, 'n' things're starting to get better.
But I realize that for every success story, there are other stories, of men and women who wake up with the anguish of not knowing where their next paycheck will come from — who send out resumes week after week and hear nothing in response. That is why jobs must be our number one focus in 2010, and that is why I am calling for a new jobs bill tonight.	'Course, things ain't all chittlings 'n' moonshine. They's a lot o' folks who will tell you that my Recovery Act ain't helped them one bit. That's why I'm going to claim to make jobs my number one focus this year. I'm even going to call fer a new jobs bill tonight, so if nothing happens with that, don't blame me. Blame the folks who wouldn't let me get that bill passed.

(mis)Interpreting the State of the Union Address (Part II)

The State of the Union given by President Oprama Weds. Jan. 27, 2010
What they said	What I heard
So I know the anxieties that are out there right now. They’re not new. These struggles are the reason I ran for president. These struggles are what I’ve witnessed for years in places like Elkhart, Ind., and Galesburg, Ill. I hear about them in the letters that I read each night. The toughest to read are those written by children asking why they have to move from their home, or when their mom or dad will be able to go back to work.	So I know a lot o' folks're anxious right now 'n' that it ain't nothing new. I may not have personal experience o' this, since I went to high priced private schools 'n' fancy colleges, but I've read 'bout it in letters I've received. I've heard 'bout it 'n' seen it in the lives o' other folks when I was helping 'em out in Chicago. That's why I got into politics, so I could help folks out. You ain't got to experience these fears 'n' anxieties yourself to want to help other folks who have experienced 'em first hand. 'N' that's why I ran fer President, to try 'n' help even more folks out.
For these Americans and so many others, change has not come fast enough. Some are frustrated; some are angry. They don’t understand why it seems like bad behavior on Wall Street is rewarded but hard work on Main Street isn’t, or why Washington has been unable or unwilling to solve any of our problems. They are tired of the partisanship and the shouting and the pettiness. They know we can’t afford it. Not now.	Fer these folks I'm talking 'bout, 'n' fer lots others, things ain't changing fast enough. They's frustrated 'n' angry. They don't understand why we's th'owing money at the folks on Wall Street, 'specially when the folks on Wall Street continued to destroy the economy even after we gave 'em the ransom they was asking fer, 'n' not doing nothing fer folks on Main Street who need, 'n' would apreciate it, more. 'N' folks don't understand why Washington, 'n' by "Washington" I mean the Republicans, seem unable 'n' unwilling to fix the problems. They's tired o' the Republicans' shouting 'n' pettiness 'n' want an end to partisanship. ('N' by partisanship, I mean the fact that the Republicans insist on not agreeing with us Democrats on anything, not the fact that we Democrats refuse to agree with the Republicans on anything.
So we face big and difficult challenges. And what the American people hope what they deserve is for all of us, Democrats and Republicans, to work through our differences, to overcome the numbing weight of our politics. For while the people who sent us here have different backgrounds, different stories and different beliefs, the anxieties they face are the same. The aspirations they hold are shared: a job that pays the bills, a chance to get ahead. Most of all, the ability to give their children a better life.	That's the challenge. That's what the American folks're hoping for. They want Democrats 'n' Republicans to get past our diff'rences 'n' move beyond our politics. That's what we want, to. We want the Republicans to just hush up 'n' agree that we's right all the time, ever' time. Don't matter who you are, the anxieties you face 'n' the aspirations you have are the same, no matter what your personal differences are.
You know what else they share? They share a stubborn resilience in the face of adversity. After one of the most difficult years in our history, they remain busy building cars and teaching kids, starting businesses and going back to school. They’re coaching Little League and helping their neighbors. As one woman wrote me, “We are strained but hopeful, struggling but encouraged.”	Want to know something else they share? Don't matter if you want to know er not, 'cause I'm going to tell you anyway. They's stubborn. No matter how difficult things get, they's just going to keep right on doing what they're doing. I'll even quote from another letter to back up that point.
It is because of this spirit, this great decency and great strength that I have never been more hopeful about America’s future than I am tonight. Despite our hardships, our union is strong. We do not give up. We do not quit. We do not allow fear or division to break our spirit. In this new decade, it’s time the American people get a government that matches their decency, that embodies their strength.	It's 'cause o' this stubborness that I am so hopeful I can help improve America's future. Like the reg'lar folks of America, I ain't no quitter. I ain't going to 'low fear ner division to break my spirit. It's time folks had a new gov'ment that's just as stubborn 'n' decent 'n' strong as they are. 'N' I'm stubborn enough to try 'n' give 'em that kind o' gov'ment, whether folks want me to er not.

(mis)Interpreting the State of the Union Address (Part I)

The State of the Union given by President Oprama Weds. Jan. 27, 2010
What they said	What I heard
Madame Speaker, Vice President Biden, members of Congress, distinguished guests, and fellow Americans:	Howdy! How y'all doing?
Our Constitution declares that from time to time, the president shall give to Congress information about the state of our union. For 220 years, our leaders have fulfilled this duty. They have done so during periods of prosperity and tranquility. And they have done so in the midst of war and depression; at moments of great strife and great struggle.	According to Article II, Section 3 o' the Constitution o' the United States, I shall "from time to time give to the Congress Information of the State of the Union". Presidents have been doing this fer over 200 years, now, even when they had some pret' good excuses fer being to busy to do so, so I don't see anyway I can get out of it. 'Sides, this'll give me a chance to brag about 'n' take credit fer all the good things 'n' successes that have happened over the past year (whether I deserve to er not), and blame the other side fer all the bad things 'n' failures that have happened over the past year (whether they deserve it er not).
It’s tempting to look back on these moments and assume that our progress was inevitable, that America was always destined to succeed. But when the Union was turned back at Bull Run and the Allies first landed at Omaha Beach, victory was very much in doubt. When the market crashed on Black Tuesday and civil rights marchers were beaten on Bloody Sunday, the future was anything but certain. These were times that tested the courage of our convictions and the strength of our union. And despite all our divisions and disagreements, our hesitations and our fears, America prevailed because we chose to move forward as one nation and one people.	You might be tempted to look back at those moments 'n' think that our progress was inevtiable 'n' that America was destined to succeed. But I'll give you some examples o' times when that progress 'n' success didn't seem so inevitable. But I'll make sure I use examples where our progress 'n' success was brought about by great leaders like Lincoln, Roosevelt, 'n' Dr. Martin Luther King. I'll tell you that the reason we survived those dark times was 'cause o' the courage 'n' determination 'n' strength o' the American people, but what I want you to do is think about those great leaders 'cause I want you to associate me with them.
Again, we are tested. And again, we must answer history’s call.	I will tell you that, once again, we are tested now as we were in those times, 'n' that I am the great leader you need to answer the call, just as those gentlemen were the great leaders we needed in those times.
One year ago, I took office amid two wars, an economy rocked by severe recession, a financial system on the verge of collapse and a government deeply in debt. Experts from across the political spectrum warned that if we did not act, we might face a second depression. So we acted immediately and aggressively. And one year later, the worst of the storm has passed.	Last year, I took office 'n' inherited a whole mess o' problems we will blame on the Republicans in general 'n' former President Jr. in particular. All the experts were predicting the absolute worst was going to happen, as experts always do 'cause they get more attention when they's predicting doom 'n' gloom than they do when they say everything's hunky dorey er not as bad as they seem. So I hit the ground running and ready to get down to business 'n' do some real work from day one. Now, everything's a whole lot better, thanks to me.
But the devastation remains. One in 10 Americans still cannot find work. Many businesses have shuttered. Home values have declined. Small towns and rural communities have been hit especially hard. For those who had already known poverty, life has become that much harder.	I'll admit that things are still bad, since I can lay the blame fer all o' that at the feet o' the previous administration. I'll trot out the whole litany o' recent complaints 'bout housing prices, business closures, 'n' poverty. I'll even th'ow out a bit o' meaningless statistics like 1 in 10 Americans cain't find a job, but I won't tell you what those statistics are based on. (After all, more than 1 in 10 Americans are below the age they can legally work to begin with, so I can make a claim like that 'n' still be telling the truth if anyone presses me on it.)
This recession has also compounded the burdens that America’s families have been dealing with for decades — the burden of working harder and longer for less, of being unable to save enough to retire or help kids with college.	Even if you do want to blame me 'er the Democrats fer some o' these problems, we ain't going to accept that blame. We'll just tell you that's the way things have been fer longer than a lot of us have even been in office.