Election Time, Again

Well, it's that time o' year again when we folks in the United States of America go out 'n' decide what we want to complain about fer the next one er more years. The day we try to figger out who the smallest liar is 'n' whether er not we want to agree to vote ourselves another tax we can gripe about having to pay. The day we have to make an extra trip, carve a little extra time out of our busy schedules, 'n' put up with long lines full o' folks we normally wouldn't want to be within fifty feet of, just so we can put some marks on a sheet o' paper 'n' hope that enough other people're smart enough to put the same marks down so that our marks will actually count fer something. It's election day.

I was sharpening my tongue up fer a big ol' diatribe 'bout the sorry bunch o' folks we got to choose from this year. I was coming up with 'n' reviewing some, hopefully, witty 'n' scathing remarks 'bout the propositions they's trying to fool us into getting passed, er voting down. I was ready to lament the poor state o' the Arizona constitution, which they seem determined to keep hacking up, tacking on to, 'n' just generally rewriting ever' year. But then I read something last night that made me rethink the whole thing.

It was an article by Peter M. on his blog 'bout New England Folklore. Mr. M. said that, back in the early years o' this country, even 'for it was a country, folks used to vote in the fall fer their local officials even though the officials didn't take office until the next May. The day they took office in May was called "Election Day" 'n' was celebrated like a holiday. He says that, by 'bout the mid 1700's, the celebrations included such things as parades, parties, athletic events, 'n' even special cakes. The best part 'bout it was, it was a celebration 'bout the simple fact o' being able to elect folks. Nowadays, it seems like the only celebrating folks do 'bout elections is to celebrate that their side won er the other side lost.

So I read that. 'N' then I thought 'bout it a bit. 'N' then I thought 'bout it a bit more. 'N' then I thought 'bout all the time that has passed between then 'n' nowadays 'n' all the changes that have happened in this country 'n' the ways folks viewed the whole voting 'n' election processes during all those 250 to 300 years. Then I thought 'bout the way so many folks seem to treat voting these days.

I thought 'bout the stories I've read 'bout how they used to close down the bars 'n' taverns 'n' the pubs 'n' the buying o' liquor on election days 'n' how you couldn't buy a drink 'til after the polls'd closed 'cause going out to cast your vote was a serious, sober responsibility. Do they even still do that these days? I'd be willing to bet real money that I could walk down to the local grocery store 'n' buy a six pack er a fifth o' something er other 'n' wouldn't no one bat an eye. I bet I could walk into any bar in town at any time today 'n' watch folks getting drunker 'n' drunker as they watched the election news. I'd even be willing to bet that there'd be at least one person, already well past the "legal" limit, who'd suddenly stand up 'n' say, "Shoot! I ain't even voted yet," 'fore running out to the polls.

I thought 'bout the stories o' folks who would get dressed up in their Sunday best to go vote 'cause voting was so important 'n' serious as church. Now days it seems like folks just show up in whatever they happen to have on er whatever they can grab 'fore they head out. In the last Presidential election, there was even a few folks in line who hadn't even bothered to change out o' their bed clothes. (Although, I guess I should give 'em credit fer being so eager 'n' dedicated to vote in that one that they was willing to get up at all that early in the morning.)

 I thought 'bout all those folks back 'fore there were cars who had to walk er ride miles 'n' miles to get to where they was supposed to go to vote 'cause it was so important to 'em. So many of 'em today seem to treat it more like some kind o' chore er drudge than the right er privilege that it is. They seem to approach it like it's some sort of odious task, like having to clean the cat box er jury duty er something. The biggest thing these days seem to be all the folks signing up to early vote er vote by mail so they don't have to take that extra time out o' their day to go do it. Personally, I get a big shot o' pride walking up to that desk 'n' taking pen in hand to mark all those little circles. I stand a little taller when I walk out o' the building with my little "I Voted" sticker tacked onto my shirt. I ain't never seen it as a chore ner an imposition. I've always seen it as a solemn something I'm more'n proud 'n' happy 'n' honored to do.

'N' I thought 'bout the idea of a bunch o' dour, humorless Puritans kicking their heels up 'n' having celebrations 'cause the folks they got to pick was stepping into office, instead of a bunch o' folks someone else had lumped 'em with. Now days it seems like so many folks're so busy voting 'gainst something er someone they cain't take no joy in their decisions.  Maybe that's why we ain't having no parades ner parties ner even special cakes to celebrate the fact that the folks we get to pick're stepping into office. Maybe too many folks these days're feeling like they's stuck with a bunch o' folks someone else lumped 'em with 'cause they felt like they couldn't vote fer who they really wanted lest the "wrong" person wound up winning.

So I thought 'bout all this stuff 'n' I decided I was going to try 'n' learn a lesson from the way they viewed elections back in the olden days. From here on out, I'm going to try 'n' keep my sharp tongue in my pocket on election day. I'm going to try 'n' keep my civil tongue in my mouth on the days I get the privilege o' going to the polls 'n' jotting down my two cents' worth in the form o' little dots on a page. I'm going to try 'n' show the day the respect it rightfully deserves 'n', who knows, maybe next year I'll even make a special cake on the day. 'Sides, I got all the other days o' the year to take my sharp tongue out o' my pocket 'n' use it.

The Changing o' the Guard

Just a few quick thoughts on the inauguration 'n' speech 'fore the pundits, spin-doctors, nay-sayers, 'n' other assorted 'n' sundry "experts" ruin it for ever'one.

Firstly: Oprama seemed like an eager little beaver, didn't he. He just couldn't wait to light into the oath 'n' get it over with so he could get to officially call himself president, could he?

Secondly: Why has he got such a problem with saying that he will "faithfully" perform his duties?

Thirdly: What has he got against the brave soldiers who have fought 'n' died fer their country since the end o' the Korean war?

Fourthly: A campaign 'n' nomination acceptance speech that were compared to/paralleled President Jack's - a train trip 'n' Bible that were last used by President Lincoln - an inauguration on the day after MLK day: coincedences, smart politicking, er eerie omens/premonitions o' bad things to come?

The United? States of America

As I was watching the election returns on NBC Tuesday night, I noticed something as they was declaring which states' majorities voter fer Oprahma 'n' which states' majorities voted fer the Arizona also-ran. What I noticed was the way the reds 'n' the blues was dividing themselves up. If you start at the Canadian border 'round 'bout Montana 'n' head due south, you notice ever'thing's a bright shade o' red, 'cept fer a little blue lake in the middle of it 'round 'bout Colorado 'n' New Mexico. Once you hit the Mexican border, make a 90 degree turn 'n' head due east. You'll keep seeing red 'til you run out o' land 'n' hit the Atlantic. Add Alaska into the mix, 'n' that's what the Arizona also-ran won: a big chunk o' the west, the western half o' the mid-west, 'n' the south, 'cept fer Florida which is no surprise since they's all just displaced New Yorkers.

The next thing I noticed was when Oprahma stood up to give his acceptance speech. Right up front he said, "...we have never been a collection of Red States and Blue States: we are, and always will be, the United States of America." That struck me at the time, 'cause all I could think was, "United? Ain't you seen that map, yet? You may have the minds 'n' the strong backs o' the northeast, northen middle states 'n' the west coast, but looks like the heart 'n' stomach o' this country still belongs to the other side."

So I decided to get out my copy of Excel 'n' play 'round with a few o' the numbers. Now, let me point out a couple o' things right off the bat, here. First off, this ain't meant to be in no way a slam on Mr. Oprahma. The man's got my, tentative, respect 'n' support. He won the thing fair 'n' square. (Er, at least as fair 'n' square as you can win an election in America these days.) I ain't trying to take nothing away from him. Secondly, this is just a little home grown analyzing. I ain't 'n' don't claim to be no kind of an expert on politics, statistics, analysis, er any o' that other stuff 'n' am generally fairly leary of anyone else who tries to prove anything by showing me a bunch o' numbers they been playing 'round with.

So, having said that, here's some o' the things I come up with: Firstly, Oprahma won the election with 364 electoral votes to 174 fer the Arizona also-ran out of a total of 538 possible. That's a differ'nce of 190. Looked at another way, that's 68% vs. 32% - better than two-thirds o' the electoral votes. That looks pretty impressive, but only if you compare it to the two presidential elections before the more recent one, when President Jr. was running. He won his first time by only 5 electoral votes 'n' the second time by only 15. If we go back past that, they ain't been another Presidential contest as close as this since former President Carter beat former President Ford way back in 1976 by only 57 electoral votes. That means that all the elections since then, with the exception o' President Jr.'s two wins, were bigger blowouts.

Still, a two to one majority of electoral votes is pretty impressive. But that's the electoral votes. When we get down to real folks, it don't look quite as impressive. 'Cording to the numbers I've found, Oprahma won only 29, er 57%, o' the states (plus the D.C. area) to 22 states, er 43%, on the other side. That's quite a bit less than a two-thirds majority in terms o' state-by-state counts. He just happened to pick up more o' the big ticket states. If we look at it by population, then things get even closer. According to statistics fer the, projected, populations o' the United States fer 2007, Oprahma won only 53% o' the vote by population vs. 46% fer the opposition.

Now, like I said, this is just a home grown analysis 'n' I ain't no professional in the field, which means I ain't got the fancy numbers available to me that other folks have, so I cain't speak to how any state's registered voters reflect the thinking of a state's population as a whole. But 53% vs. 46% looks like a lot less unity among folks than the electoral votes might lead us to believe.

Looks like Oprahma may not be the great healer 'n' unifier folks was hoping he'd be. Not yet, at any rate. He's still got eight years to work on it, though. 'N' he seems to realize it. He said he would listen to us, especially when we disagree. Good thing he's got more ears than the rest of us, 'cause with, what looks like, 46% o' the population not too sure 'bout what he's had to say so far, I'd say he's got a lot o' listening heading his way.

Say Hello to the Next Eight Years

America woke up yeste'day morning 'n' breathed a huge sigh o' relief that the long, dark nightmare was finally over. I ain't talking 'bout the nightmare o' President Jr.'s stint in office. I ain't talking 'bout the nightmare o' the financial crisis. I ain't even talking 'bout the nightmare that we might have to put up with four more years o' Republican hi-jinks. I'm talking 'bout the year-long nightmare o' name calling, mud slinging, muck raking, back stabbing, dirty tricks, voting fraud, questionable financing, 'n' out 'n' out lying that makes American voting the greatest kind o' Democracy in the world.

That's right. We done went 'n' elected ourselves a new President. 'N' not just any new President at that. No sir. We went 'n' elected a President that is not only the first o' his kind in American history, but, quite possibly, the first o' his kind in the world. Yes, sir, we got us our very first Siamese twin fer President. You know who I'm talking 'bout: President-elect Oprahma - half female entertainer 'n' half male politician.

So, not only has he got to deal with the problems o' being the first-of-his-kind American President 'n' the problems with the economy facing him when he takes office 'n' the problems facing America abroad 'n' the problems o' dealing with terrorism 'n' drugs 'n' illegal immigration 'n' raising two young girls in the public spotlight 'n' trying to house train a new puppy without damaging anything in the Lincoln bedroom, now he has to figure out how to juggle running a media empire, hosting a top TV show, 'n' being the leader o' the free world, as well. Good thing he's got two heads 'n' four hands, 'cause he's gonna need all of 'em.

Now, I know y'all want to just sit back, take a deep breath, let the past year slide quietly into the history books, 'n' gather your strength over the next two months so you can start griping 'bout what a lousy job the new guys doing soon as he takes office, but I got one more bit o' campaign information to share with you. 'N' this ain't 'bout the campaign that just ended, but the one we get to look forward to in another three years er so. Don't worry, it'll be quick 'n' painless.
All I want to say is, let's just skip the whole thing next time 'round. I ain't no supporter of Oprahma's, but I predicted this result way back last year when I first heard he'd th'owed his hat into the ring. I said to myself at the time, "Well, there's your next President." 'N' I was right. In fact, I been right 'bout ever' President since Carter, when I first started paying attention to these kinds o' things. I may not know much 'bout "cultural shifts" er "pendulum swings" er even politics in general, but I can smell the next President coming at least three months 'fore the conventions even get under way.

So, take the hint from me 'n' don't even worry 'bout next time 'round just yet. We didn't just elect the President fer the next four years: we just elected the President fer the next eight years. That's right. I'm already predicting an Oprahma win in 2012. All he's got to do is live through the next four years, 'n', given American history, that may be the toughest job of all he'll have to face.