(mis)Interpreting the State of the Union Address (Part V)

The State of the Union given by President Oprama Weds. Jan. 27, 2010
What they said	What I heard
From the day I took office, I have been told that addressing our larger challenges is too ambitious — that such efforts would be too contentious, that our political system is too gridlocked and that we should just put things on hold for awhile.	From day one, folks've been telling me that trying to solve our problems was too unrealistic. They said that Democrats 'n' Republicans was just too busy carping 'bout each other, picking on one 'nother, 'n' trying to just get re-elected to get any actual work done.
For those who make these claims, I have one simple question:	I got just one question fer those folks:
How long should we wait? How long should America put its future on hold?	How long you want me to wait fer both sides to finally shape up 'n' fly right?
You see, Washington has been telling us to wait for decades, even as the problems have grown worse. Meanwhile, China’s not waiting to revamp its economy; Germany’s not waiting; India’s not waiting. These nations aren’t standing still. These nations aren’t playing for second place. They’re putting more emphasis on math and science. They’re rebuilding their infrastructure. They are making serious investments in clean energy because they want those jobs.	See, Washington's been making us wait fer years 'n' years while they carp 'n' pick 'n' run fer office. It ain't helped one bit. 'N' while they's busy doing all that, other countries ain't just sitting 'round on their hands. I'll specifically mention countries like China, to tap into your fears o' the commies, Germany, to tap into your fears o' the Nazis, 'n' India, to tap into your anger over the fact that ever' time you call someone fer help these days you get someone from India instead of an English-speaking American. Unlike us, those folks're more int'rested in actual schooling than they are sports, entertainment, cell-phones, 'n' i-pods. They's rebuilding things 'n' investing in clean energy 'n' stuff 'cause they know folks're frantic 'bout all that global warming nonsense.
Well I do not accept second place for the United States of America. As hard as it may be, as uncomfortable and contentious as the debates may be, it’s time to get serious about fixing the problems that are hampering our growth.	I don't know 'bout ya'll, but I ain't going to accept no second place ribbon fer the good ol' US of A. It's time to get off our backsides, put down our cell phones 'n' blackberries 'n' i-pods, 'n' get some work done.
One place to start is serious financial reform. Look, I am not interested in punishing banks, I’m interested in protecting our economy. A strong, healthy financial market makes it possible for businesses to access credit and create new jobs. It channels the savings of families into investments that raise incomes. But that can only happen if we guard against the same recklessness that nearly brought down our entire economy.	Firstly, like I said before, it's the economy, stupid. The big banks need a good whooping fer all the mess they've caused 'n' to try 'n' learn 'em not to do it again. But I ain't going to say it like that. I'm going to say I'm whooping 'em to try 'n' protect the economy. Making good, strong businesses makes fer a good, strong America. But that'll only happen if we don't let things fall apart from sheer greediness, like the Republicans done.
We need to make sure consumers and middle class families have the information they need to make financial decisions. We can’t allow financial institutions, including those that take your deposits, to take risks that threaten the whole economy.	We got to smarten folks up 'bout financial things 'cause they been making some awfully stupid choices 'bout finances. Just like we need to smarten up the financial institutions that've been making stupid decisions.
The House has already passed financial reform with many of these changes. And the lobbyists are already trying to kill it. Well, we cannot let them win this fight. And if the bill that ends up on my desk does not meet the test of real reform, I will send it back.	I already got the House to cave in 'n' agree with me on a lot o' this. Course, the lobbyists ain't none too pleased 'n' are squawking 'bout it. Won't do 'em no good, though, 'cause if what I finally get don't cut the mustard, I'll just whup out my big ol' veto pen 'n' make 'em keep doing it 'til they get it right.
Next, we need to encourage American innovation. Last year, we made the largest investment in basic research funding in history — an investment that could lead to the world’s cheapest solar cells or treatment that kills cancer cells but leaves healthy ones untouched. And no area is more ripe for such innovation than energy. You can see the results of last year’s investment in clean energy — in the North Carolina company that will create 1,200 jobs nationwide helping to make advanced batteries, or in the California business that will put 1,000 people to work making solar panels.	Secondly, we got to get folks to think 'bout other things than their fancy toys 'n' electronics 'n' entertainment 'n' fancy electronic entertainment toys. Now, I'm going to tell you we made the largest investment in funding basic research last year, but I ain't going to tell you, e'sactly, what kind o' research we was funding. I'll talk 'bout clean energy 'n' cancer research so you'll think it was something 'long those lines, but, needless to say, it was in an area that's been so woefully underfunded up 'til now that we could just add any unimportant amount to it's budget 'n' still honestly claim it was the largest investment in history. I'll even give you a couple o' fer instances with numbers attached to make it sound even more impresive.
But to create more of these clean energy jobs, we need more production, more efficiency, more incentives. That means building a new generation of safe, clean nuclear power plants in this country. It means making tough decisions about opening new offshore areas for oil and gas development. It means continued investment in advanced biofuels and clean coal technologies. And yes, it means passing a comprehensive energy and climate bill with incentives that will finally make clean energy the profitable kind of energy in America.	But to create even more o' these kinds o' jobs, we need to build more production facilities, cut out the lollygagging, 'n' offer more 'n' bigger bribes to companies to get 'em to go along with the idea. That means we need to build more nuclear power plants 'n' make some hard choices 'bout whether er not to open new areas fer offshore drilling. Well, I see that finally got some o' you Republicans up 'n' clapping fer me, so I ain't going to tell you that the hard choices 'bout offshore drilling mean we ain't going to be opening up no new areas. I've blocked that one before, after all. Anyways, I know ya'll don't like folks seeing you agree with me, so now I'll tell you something that'll stop your clapping 'n' set y'all back down. It also means passing a comprehesive climate bill 'n' promoting non-petroleum based energy sources. That shut you up, didn't it?
I am grateful to the House for passing such a bill last year. This year, I am eager to help advance the bipartisan effort in the Senate. I know there have been questions about whether we can afford such changes in a tough economy, and I know that there are those who disagree with the overwhelming scientific evidence on climate change. But even if you doubt the evidence, providing incentives for energy efficiency and clean energy are the right thing to do for our future — because the nation that leads the clean energy economy will be the nation that leads the global economy. And America must be that nation.	I'd like to thank the house fer finally caving in 'n' agreeing with me last year. This year, I cain't wait to try 'n' get the Senate to knuckle under, too. I know some folks're bright enough to see through all that nonsense 'bout global warming 'n' climate change. But it don't matter how smart you are 'cause ever'body else is just following along behind it like a bunch o' mindless sheep. So we're going to cater to them, not to you.
Third, we need to export more of our goods. Because the more products we make and sell to other countries, the more jobs we support right here in America. So tonight, we set a new goal: We will double our exports over the next five years, an increase that will support 2 million jobs in America. To help meet this goal, we’re launching a national export initiative that will help farmers and small businesses increase their exports and reform export controls consistent with national security.	Thirdly, we need to get the rest o' the world to buy more o' the crappy stuff we sell. I'll tell you it'll mean more jobs here, but we all know pret' much ever'ything's made in China er Taiwan er some other foreign country these days. I'm even going to claim we'll double our exports over the next five years to make you think I'm serious 'bout how it'll mean more jobs fer Americans. In fact, I'm going to launch a national export initiative, but I'll make sure that ever'thing's consistent with national security so it'll be sure to fail.
We have to seek new markets aggressively, just as our competitors are. If America sits on the sidelines while other nations sign trade deals, we will lose the chance to create jobs on our shores. But realizing those benefits also means enforcing those agreements so our trading partners play by the rules. And that’s why we will continue to shape a Doha trade agreement that opens global markets, and why we will strengthen our trade relations in Asia and with key partners like South Korea, Panama and Colombia.	We need to find new places to sell our junk. I'll push fer more open trade with Asia 'n' South Central America, but we still need to get rid o' NAFTA 'cause this is about selling our stuff, not buying from someone else.
Fourth, we need to invest in the skills and education of our people.	Fourthly, we need to learn our kids better.
This year, we have broken through the stalemate between left and right by launching a national competition to improve our schools. The idea here is simple: Instead of rewarding failure, we only reward success. Instead of funding the status quo, we only invest in reform — reform that raises student achievement, inspires students to excel in math and science, and turns around failing schools that steal the future of too many young Americans, from rural communities to inner cities. In the 21st century, one of the best anti-poverty programs is a world-class education. In this country, the success of our children cannot depend more on where they live than their potential.	This past year, we finally beat the Republicans into submission 'n' got 'em to agree with us 'bout launching a competition to improve our schools. It's a no-brainer: make the schools come up with a bunch more tests fer the students to try 'n' pass so they can show they's teaching 'em something. Course, all they'll be teaching 'em is how to pass the tests, not anything important like math er science. But as long as we can show a bunch o' high scores, we can fool folks into thinking we's teaching 'em good.
When we renew the Elementary and Secondary Education Act, we will work with Congress to expand these reforms to all 50 states. Still, in this economy, a high school diploma no longer guarantees a good job. I urge the Senate to follow the House and pass a bill that will revitalize our community colleges, which are a career pathway to the children of so many working families. To make college more affordable, this bill will finally end the unwarranted taxpayer subsidies that go to banks for student loans. Instead, let’s take that money and give families a $10,000 tax credit for four years of college and increase Pell Grants. And let’s tell another 1 million students that when they graduate, they will be required to pay only 10 percent of their income on student loans, and all of their debt will be forgiven after 20 years — and forgiven after 10 years if they choose a career in public service. Because in the United States of America, no one should go broke because they chose to go to college. And it’s time for colleges and universities to get serious about cutting their own costs — because they too have a responsibility to help solve this problem.	When we go to renew the Elementary 'n' Secondary Education Act, we'll try bullying Congress into expanding the reforms to all 50 states. Course, a high school diploma don't mean squat in this country no more. So I'll pressure the Senate into doing what the House done 'n' pass a bill to give more money to community colleges, since they actually teach real job skills. Course, I won't demand that colleges charge realistic tuitions. Instead, I'll try to take even more money away from the banks 'n' give tax credits fer college 'n' increase Pell Grants since tax credits mean we ain't got to actually pay nobody nothing. I'll also urge that we turn future generations o' college graduates into deadbeats by forgiving their debts after 20 years, er 10 years if they choose to work in low-paying public service jobs. Folks in America shouldn't have to go broke just so they can go to college. But I ain't going to help 'em with that. Instead, I'm going to tell the colleges 'n' universities to cut costs, not tuition, so their boards o' gov'nors 'n' administrators can put even more money in their pockets. After all, the boards o' gov'nors 'n' the administrators have more political power than a bunch of ignorant college students, so it's better fer me if I address the effect, not the cause.
Now, the price of college tuition is just one of the burdens facing the middle class. That’s why last year I asked Vice President Biden to chair a task force on middle class families. That’s why we’re nearly doubling the child care tax credit, and making it easier to save for retirement by giving every worker access to a retirement account and expanding the tax credit for those who start a nest egg. That’s why we’re working to lift the value of a family’s single largest investment — their home. The steps we took last year to shore up the housing market have allowed millions of Americans to take out new loans and save an average of $1,500 on mortgage payments. This year, we will step up refinancing so that homeowners can move into more affordable mortgages. And it is precisely to relieve the burden on middle-class families that we still need health insurance reform.	College tuition ain't the only financial burden facing the middle class. That's why I asked Joe over here to chair a task force fer middle class families. The upper class has got enough money to take care o' themselves, 'n' don't no one care 'bout the lower classes, 'cause there ain't enough o' them who vote to make much differ'nce. That's also why we're going to be giving even more tax credits to families with children 'n' fer folks with retirement accounts. Again, tax credits don't cost us nothing, but they do make it sound like we's actually doing something important. We're also going to work on increasing the values o' folks' houses. True, that ain't going to help folks who cain't afford a house now 'n' will help to drive the prices o' houses back up to the ridiculous levels they was before, but we don't care 'bout that right now. We just want to get the current homeowners on our side. Now I'm going to use all o' that as a way to segue into talking 'bout health care.
Now let’s be clear — I did not choose to tackle this issue to get some legislative victory under my belt. And by now it should be fairly obvious that I didn’t take on health care because it was good politics.	First off, I ain't gong to claim I chose to tackle health care hoping fer a big win. 'N' even though it may have seemed like a good idea at the time, it turns out that my ideas ain't as pop'lar as I'd hoped they'd be.
I took on health care because of the stories I’ve heard from Americans with pre-existing conditions whose lives depend on getting coverage, patients who’ve been denied coverage and families — even those with insurance — who are just one illness away from financial ruin.	I took on health care 'cause it helped get me elected 'n' 'cause that's the kinds o' things we Liberals're supposed to talk 'bout.
After nearly a century of trying, we are closer than ever to bringing more security to the lives of so many Americans. The approach we’ve taken would protect every American from the worst practices of the insurance industry. It would give small businesses and uninsured Americans a chance to choose an affordable health care plan in a competitive market. It would require every insurance plan to cover preventive care. And by the way, I want to acknowledge our first lady, Michelle Obama, who this year is creating a national movement to tackle the epidemic of childhood obesity and make our kids healthier.	We've been jawing 'bout this fer close to a hundred years, 'n' we still cain't get it right. But folks seemed fed up with it enough now that we thought we might just take another run at the thing. Course, the approaches we've taken are focused on the wrong end o' the stick, just like our approaches to education 'n' housing values. We's focusing on how to pay the obscenely overpriced demands o' the health industry, not on how to get 'em to lower their costs to something more reasonable. 'N' since I ain't mentioned her yet, let me just say something 'bout the Mrs. so she can get on camera tonight. I'm making her take on the cause o' fighting to put an end to all these fat, little kids running 'round the country.
Our approach would preserve the right of Americans who have insurance to keep their doctor and their plan. It would reduce costs and premiums for millions of families and businesses. And according to the Congressional Budget Office — the independent organization that both parties have cited as the official scorekeeper for Congress — our approach would bring down the deficit by as much as $1 trillion over the next two decades.	Our approach will preserve the rights of insurance companies 'n' doctors to continue grossly overcharging folks. It will reduce the benefits 'n' treatments fer millions o' families. 'N' according to the Congressional Budget Office, an independent group that both parties have agreed to completely ignore, our approach will, somehow, supposedly lower the deficit by as much as $1 trillion over the next 20 years. So if it don't, I'll be long gone from office 'n' we can blame whoever comes after me.
Still, this is a complex issue, and the longer it was debated, the more skeptical people became. I take my share of the blame for not explaining it more clearly to the American people. And I know that with all the lobbying and horse trading, this process left most Americans wondering what’s in it for them.	Let's face it, you cain't please ever'one. The longer we spent yapping 'bout it without actually doing anything, the less pleased folks was with it. I'll take some o' the blame fer not using small enough words fer folks to understand. But I'll place most o' the blame on the lobbyists 'n' Congress' process o' swapping favors 'n' selling each other their votes.
But I also know this problem is not going away. By the time I’m finished speaking tonight, more Americans will have lost their health insurance. Millions will lose it this year. Our deficit will grow. Premiums will go up. Patients will be denied the care they need. Small business owners will continue to drop coverage altogether. I will not walk away from these Americans and neither should the people in this chamber.	But we ain't going to stop yapping 'bout the problem, neither. 'N' I ain't going to stop trying to scare you with tales 'bout how folks are suffering from the way health care does business now.
As temperatures cool, I want everyone to take another look at the plan we’ve proposed. There’s a reason why many doctors, nurses and health care experts who know our system best consider this approach a vast improvement over the status quo. But if anyone from either party has a better approach that will bring down premiums, bring down the deficit, cover the uninsured, strengthen Medicare for seniors and stop insurance company abuses, let me know. Here’s what I ask of Congress, though: Do not walk away from reform. Not now. Not when we are so close. Let us find a way to come together and finish the job for the American people.	If I keep yapping 'n' scare you enough, I might just get you to finally let me do this thing the way I want. The reason doctors, nurses, 'n' other health care professionals consider my way as being so good is 'cause they still get to charge obscene amounts o' money. If anyone else can come up with a better idea, let me know so I can steal the best bits 'n' present it as my idea. What I want Congress to do, though, is to give in 'n' agree with me.
Now, even as health care reform would reduce our deficit, it’s not enough to dig us out of a massive fiscal hole in which we find ourselves. It’s a challenge that makes all others that much harder to solve, and one that’s been subject to a lot of political posturing.	Even if this thing actually worked, somehow, 'n' helped reduce the deficit, it still wouldn't be enough to fix the mess the Republicans stuck us with. In fact, that mess is something I plan on using to blame a lot o' my other failures on fer years to come.